Hmm...just over a month and no updates; and I was doing so well.

Ah, well...life does that sometimes. Often I just get so wrapped up in what is happening - or not happening - and forget that sometimes I like to let people know what I'm up to.

The last few posts (well, other than the last one) have been kinda depressing. I just want to take this time to let you all know that I'm doing great. They say hindsight is 20/20, and they say it for good reason. I look back and realize where I was back in February, and it wasn't a good place. I thought it was at the time, but I was blinded by my own selfishness and lust. I was fooling myself into thinking that things were just fine.

I have, with the help of a few friends, moved on and realized that my life lies ahead of me in what is yet to come, not behind in what has passed. What is in the past is done and over with, and will to some extent continue to shape who I am, but I have learned what I can from it and will continue to press onward with this newfound knowledge and understanding of who I am and who I can be.

Thank you to all who supported me and will no doubt continue to support me through the good times, the not so good times, and the downright crappy times. You are the true friends and the people I need to keep closest in my life no matter what happens. :)

All that being said, I have made a slight addition to my personal decor (this is in no way related to anything I have said):

This song really spoke to me today:

I don't want to sleep anymore. I'm sick right now, so it's already hard enough, and my dreams don't make it any easier.

I've never been one to have nightmares very often, and when I do, they don't generally bother me much. Normally, when I think of a nightmare, I think of something out of a horror flick, only more realistic. On TV or in a movie, it's easy to tell it's fake. Those sort of nightmares are easy to control. I can turn them off, or make them seem funny. I am well aware that it's a dream and can control it, since I know that what I'm seeing isn't even something I would be afraid of encountering in the real world.

So my mind has decided to make it personal. Rather than the typical ghoulish creatures or frightening encounters in most nightmares, my mind has decided to figure out what it is in my life right now that I most treasure, and turn it against me. Foremost in my mind right now is the situation with my uncle Andy and the situation with Mandy. Those are two of the things I think about most, and affect me a lot at the moment.

Last night, in my head, those two situations seemed to combine into the most twisted, unpleasant experience I believe I have ever had. It was as if the worst possible outcome of either event became the reality and then only proceeded to get worse.

To top it off, I could not control it. I was vaguely aware of what was going on but could do nothing about it. I couldn't wake up when I wanted to, and even when I did, my mind still played the scenes through my head over and over. I couldn't change these events to something more pleasant as I normally can. I was forced to live through all this as if it was reality, and it was torture.

I don't want to sleep tonight, but I know I must...